"Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away".

If only.  Yesterday, I was laying on my back, leggs spread, waiting for my gynie to finish his check up, waiting to hear if the big C may have gotten a hold of me this time.

Laying there, all exposed and trying not to think about his gloved fingers scratching around down there your mind tend to start to wonder.

I started to wonder... If he does this everyday, why can't he make it feel more pleasureble?  Really, you would think that the gynogologist of the world would get together and work on a plan to keep the ladies comming back.  I can not think of one of my girlfriends who enjoy the experience, that means they do not visit the gynie as often as they should, but if it was pleasureble.... imagine the possiblities.  But then, he is looking for the big C and not the big O.

Then my mind started wondering about the big C...  What if he finds something? Maybe I should have taken better care of myself.  Maybe I should have eaten more tomatoes (isn't that a cancer fighting food?).  Maybe I should not have smoked weed or made friends with Jack Daniels in my younger years.  Maybe I should have stressed less, expercised more, slept more regularly...

I start thinking of my grandmother and great grandmother, all their sisters... all of them, except one, died of cancer.  I think of their legacy and I wonder if I would be rememberd with such love and fondness.  Will funny stories be told about me at family get togethers or will people remember all the rebelious things I have done?  All the heartache I caused... I wonder if people would smile when they remember me or will they cry?  I wonder if any one would show up for my funiral... What would it be like?  Morbid?  No, I hope not, if I go I want to go with a bang.  Drinks in church and a big after party, after I have been tourched and turned into ash.  I want people to dance around on the music I used to listen to and eat the food I loved and drink the alcohol I used to... I want no tears, no sadness over another lost soul that left this earth.  I want them to enjoy the time they have left.

Am i ready to die?

"Everything looks ok down here", the dr's voice calls me back.  "Now let's see about that cyst".

Still on my back, the wondering starts again...