Will your past always be part of your future?

Thanx to a web sight i stumbled on last year and my husband buying me a subscription i started my "modeling career" at the age of 30.  A strange age for anyone to deside to start doing something like this, i know, but i have never been a conventional type of girl.
Somehow i ended up doing predominantly nudes.  I do not mind doing this art form (yes to me it is art) since i have never been ashamed of my body and i work really hard to stay in shape and i also enjoy it very much. But i can't help wondering if nudedy and sex will keep following me around.

I come from a sexual back ground, i use to work in the sex industry many years ago and it still seems to follow me... Maybe it is written on my face in permanend inc?  Maybe people can smell it on me? Maybe it is the attitude you learn that sticks with you? Maybe it is in the way i interact with people?

What ever it is that gives me away, it makes my business life and meeting new people hard. Men can't seem to get past it and woman don't seem to trust me.

So this leads me to the question:  Will your past always be part of your future?

If this is the case i dread my future...

Purpose

I sometimes wonder if i am the only person struggeling to find her purpose.  I have been on this earth for 30 (almost 31) years and yet i have to find mine.

I have been interrested in things like numerology and alternative healing all my life, greatly because of the females in my family i suspect, so feeling as lost as i have for weeks now i desided to have a look at my numerology chart for this year.  Healing and the arts seem to be the way to go this year, but how to implement it?

I am also ment to find my softer side and give more this year.  Being born on 31 May i am usualy perseved as a harsh, hard individual, but i actualy do have a very soft side to me.  Giving has never been a problem for me... Finding my softer side and showing it may be.  I do not like to show any marshmellow soft sides of myself because marshmellows get burned in fires.

I look at the things that are pulling my interrests this year, massaging, alternative healing, beauty and i think this year i may want to spend time behind the camera and not as much infront of it.  I think i want to greate something this year, something beautiful and meaningful... What it will be i have no idea just yet...

Wish me luck.

"Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away".

If only.  Yesterday, I was laying on my back, leggs spread, waiting for my gynie to finish his check up, waiting to hear if the big C may have gotten a hold of me this time.

Laying there, all exposed and trying not to think about his gloved fingers scratching around down there your mind tend to start to wonder.

I started to wonder... If he does this everyday, why can't he make it feel more pleasureble?  Really, you would think that the gynogologist of the world would get together and work on a plan to keep the ladies comming back.  I can not think of one of my girlfriends who enjoy the experience, that means they do not visit the gynie as often as they should, but if it was pleasureble.... imagine the possiblities.  But then, he is looking for the big C and not the big O.

Then my mind started wondering about the big C...  What if he finds something? Maybe I should have taken better care of myself.  Maybe I should have eaten more tomatoes (isn't that a cancer fighting food?).  Maybe I should not have smoked weed or made friends with Jack Daniels in my younger years.  Maybe I should have stressed less, expercised more, slept more regularly...

I start thinking of my grandmother and great grandmother, all their sisters... all of them, except one, died of cancer.  I think of their legacy and I wonder if I would be rememberd with such love and fondness.  Will funny stories be told about me at family get togethers or will people remember all the rebelious things I have done?  All the heartache I caused... I wonder if people would smile when they remember me or will they cry?  I wonder if any one would show up for my funiral... What would it be like?  Morbid?  No, I hope not, if I go I want to go with a bang.  Drinks in church and a big after party, after I have been tourched and turned into ash.  I want people to dance around on the music I used to listen to and eat the food I loved and drink the alcohol I used to... I want no tears, no sadness over another lost soul that left this earth.  I want them to enjoy the time they have left.

Am i ready to die?

"Everything looks ok down here", the dr's voice calls me back.  "Now let's see about that cyst".

Still on my back, the wondering starts again...

Nella's life

So here i am, in a brand new year.  I desided to be a bit of a "yes woman" this year and say yes to (mostly) everything that may come my.  A friend asked me if i am blogging.  "Who would want to read my scribbles?" I asked.  But i thought about it and thought about it and desided that this may be something that i should say "yes" to.  The good news is it took me only and hour to set up this blog and not an entire day.  (I am sadly still techno challanged at 30). So let us see how this path continues for me... hopefully it leads down the rabbit hole and not to the matrix.